Last week, while off from work for our honeymoon, I had a very significant realization. We were back from Las Vegas and sitting in our living room on the couch. The rain softly falling outside the window; the sky that resigned grey color which affects me so much. I look over and Tara gives me a quiet smile before looking back to her laptop. I look back to the book I’m reading, then out the window again.

I have a Keanu Reeves “whoa” moment. Right then, I feel very connected to my past. I was homeschooled K-12, and being at home, working in my Saxon Algebra book while the rain kept falling outside is a very good memory I have. It has a “rightness” to it. The moment I was just experiencing felt like a continuation of that. But it was more than just the rain.

Growing up, my family was very closely knit. Being homeschooled by my Mom, and being with my two sisters all the time made us all close (sometimes to the point of madness! heh). As I turned 18, and started being more of an adult, I felt I was leaving that closeness and being more independent. It was good in many ways, but one way that wasn’t so good is my closeness to the family waned. It’s a natural progression of becoming an adult, you need to stand more on your own I think.

Unexpectedly, our marriage made Tara and I feel even closer, and I feel like I’m in a family again. (I say unexpectedly, because we thought, “We’re so close now, marriage is just a public declaration of our dedication to each other, it won’t make us feel closer than we already are.”) That family connection is there again in my life. It’s like a new family cycle has started, this time with me as the husband. It’s a good thing.

There’s another variable in this strong connection to the past. When I was 16ish, I was a pretty smart guy, but there were some aspects of my future that were uncertain to me. One, would I ever find a partner in my life? And two, I knew I wanted to do something mathematical or technical as a profession. But I always had these doubts of “Will I really make it? Will it really happen?”

I can look back now at my past self, and see the goals I was worried about are achieved. I am married to a supportive, amazing lady, and we love each other greatly. My job is exactly what I wanted to do. I want to tell my past self, “You’re going to be okay.”